bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
