Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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