Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
