I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
