Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
