It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
