note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
