so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
