I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
