She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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