You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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