Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
