So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
