I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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