This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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