you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
