I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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