just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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