sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
