i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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