how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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