I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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