she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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