if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
