Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
