if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
