i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
