I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
