now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize