i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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