well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
