I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
