i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
