I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
