So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize