And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
