Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
