Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
