I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
