1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
