Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize