My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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