Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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