I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
