i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's never too late to be topless.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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