I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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