Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
