you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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