Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
