I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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