im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
