The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize