I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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