she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drunk is a universal language darling
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
