some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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